Aloha..........

Just come back from the hospital and if u are wondering why?
It's because of the of the bleeding....Though I'm immune to the pain but the fact is internal bleeding is not to be toyed with.....

Reflections after reflections had been done and I've come to a realization.

I'm never gonna take back whatever that is written or said caused I meant every single one of them....2009 was full of ups and downs,an experienced like no other.Start the year being left all alone when u went away for a holliday.Was left alone again in the cell fighting against all odds.Was alone again when I know ur feeling have drifted away time and again.When u don't even wanna see,meet me.Alone again going thru the turmoil of seeing my mother,colleague had a brush against death...Last and not least,being alone drenched wet waiting for u,for ur birthday.

I know our standards differ greatly.U are well to do.Whereby I'm just a peasant.Making ends meets.I cannot give u that luxurious wedding that u dream off.I can never compete with u/ur family.

Irony isn't it when suddenly is these modern world such primitive thinking still exist,in these modern world a mother would disown her own child just because she is dating a guy of a different race.An alien.....a sub-species....
It could be a pure reason or maybe I'm just unqualified at all....

I have always been a fighter.Not a royalty of any kind.Being there for everyone except for myself.I thought I will never learn to respect love again but I was wrong i fell deeper than before.and now I know it meant nothing at all.Nothing...........

I've spent 3yrs serving u,ur highness hope it was worth it......

My only love sprung from my only hate,too early seen unknown when known too late(my only hate is love)
Now just like any fighter I'm useless because I'm injured,ain't not gonna bother whatever the doctor say,he ain't no god,I'm goin to push thru this limits.....These challenge I just don't FUCKING care,give me my ale and i shall go to that godforsaken place.....

With these words i end my entry...................................................

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When i thought that I could come thru,I just gotta bump into u..........
Drinking is my only way to hide/run though it bleeds more then before....

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An alien species fell in love with humans and no matter what happens they still push thru it....
They learn from each other.....What began as impossible to be,they prove it all wrong....
Though he was the hero but she is definitely the pillar.....
She stood up for him,guide him the way,show him what it meant.......
It meant to all,It meant a whole lot to him......
Though he comes close to death a million times but she is there,....always.....

Back to reality, I'm still sober and I've decided it's up 2 me to make u hate me now.....
The more u hate the better it's gonna be....
I know u can never forget.....
I know I can never walk with my head held high....

The more i bleed.the more pain i gather the better,forget bout all the medicine,technology and science caused the pain inside is purely unbearable....
Committing Suicide I tried,trust me I trully did....but I hold on to my very last promise and that is I won't...so yupp.....
Let me be,let me go away from these place...somehow,somewhere i can still feel u inside me,loving/caring for me but ur answer won't change so let it be....
So much have been done,so much effort and love,and the very word love i hate now....

It doesn't mean a thing to u now so yupp...........
There is no answers................
Let it be..............
Let it flow,let it flow.....

To Sujata ur guesses are true I am having internal bleeding now....
But it does not hurt as much as to what i am feeling now....
Let me enjoy the liquor and alcohol now k.....
And for sure I am goin away,please help me look after her....
Let no one ever bully her aite.....

Thank you

The more i tried to hide/run the more it shows.....
The more I drink,the more sober it gets.....
Chivas have really been a gd fren rite now,though I'm beginning to bleed from inside out i think that shud be fine to my own believe/thoughts. Though i noe that in every logical sense tells me that it's wrong waahaha.....
Better off this way...No one can understand,none can comprehend.Let it be....Let me be......
Let all the blood be drained out,let it hurt,caused I'm so immune to pain now so yupp............

Best fren

My best frend would be Chivas Regal the longer it is the better,smooth to the throat and vicious to the liver waahaha,...........Enjoying every moment of it hahax...wateva it it it beads crying hands dwn woohoo!!!

U went away???

It's hard,very hard and extremely hard bout what i feel right now.....

Yes,I do acknowledge the fact that I did it to you 1st for being MIA and all.And I've explain a million times.Though it does not make it any better but the trufth more often than not....HURTS!!!
Instead of being understanding and a pillar u take it as if I don't fucking care and the trufth to that,is that,I do......I really do.

Every year I have to go through this out of mind situation....And NO I'm not blaming you it's just a matter of facts and intellectual of how a person perceive or think things through...

No msg,calls or even a simple email..........Maybe u just don't care any more....Oh well!!! Who am I to blame or judge I have not been an exact role model to begin with.....

So wherever you are,what ever is that you are up to, just know this I do care and I am fucking missing you plus I'm suffering due to the absence......The only light I'm looking forward to now is just that bright star...................

Monster?\/Demon

The urge?
The crave?
Humanity gone wild???
What the fuck is happening..........If i don't stop these all I know that it's gonna be worse than before.....Argh!!! Been laying low for a long time now but now it's been triggered again.....rar.
Have i fallen deeply in love that when it hurts it turns me inside out,is it the life experienced of seeing someone close to me go /drifted away angers me or is it because of the near misses with death again that makes me this way.....

It's like not having the sense of touch to feel,no sense of taste other than bitterness,no sight to see the light,no smell other then blood and last but not least no heart to LOVE......

Night have become day to me.........
And the interesting part of it all I tend to think,do things better in the night.........

Have I lost my way,is it just a dream......Part of me wish that it is but I know for a fact that it is not......

Everything that I try to do good, will end up the opposite.....argh!!!! What the fuck is wrong with me.......Help a friend who got injured badly,help my own fucking mother but the effect of it???
My own love hated me,I'm on the brink of losing my job the very bloody motherfucking job that I've put 2yrs of undying commitment.........

I tried to be there for your special day,did a magnificent sand wording sculpture of your name and mother nature tore it apart thanks to the rain and the beach.......Though I stupidly enough stand in the pouring rain drench wet and cold to the bone and with fullest passion to get it done and when it's done I brainlessly again tried to call you though I know that you won't be there to answer it......

What is fucking wrong with me......Am I human???
Heart beating but there's no love....
Eyes looking but cannot see....
RAR!!!

The best thing of all, afterall the fucking shit, u came back and tell me u want to end it???
What the fuck.
Enough is enough don't ever even think that i was part of your life,treat that i never existed...
After 3yrs it all meant nothing at all to you.....

Life sucks,maybe there's a better place to be.... FUCK OFF SINGAPORE.....
FUCK OFF TO LIFE!!!
ALASKA............

Thank you

Just feeling alil me!!!

Is there a heart still in there?
Is it lost,gone forever?
Where have it gone 2?

Hmm....Seriously I have no idea.It's like i have stop to feel.It's like I have lost my humanity,sanity or care and compassion towards life itself.I'm not hiding from anything and though I know i have proven myself time and again to be better then before it just never seemed enough....

What is enough?

Should just stop thinking but if I do that doesn't that mean it's no differeent then being an animal,creature,MONSTER who only feeds on gut instinct and survival skills.

Questions and quest keeps on pounding like there's no tomorrow haix...........
Time to move on and go ahead with the day.Hope it's a better challenging day today....

No scared! No scared!
Or should I be?
Could I be?
Answer to that.......????

Been there for everyone else other then myself.
Been a so called fighter for everybody,helping,nurturing,giving advice,listening........
At the end of the day I am left all alone.....
Where is the warmth of a promised love...
Where is the good when all that is done is not appreciated or recognized....
What the fuck is going on...........

Left alone,being lonely
It's just me myself and I
None could fully understand.....None could fully feel.....
Maybe it's really that tough or maybe we are all blind..............

Time will tell.....Time will heal.....
Time is what we got to make the best out of it.